The Chains That Bind

This is a poem I wrote almost 5 years ago.  I found it again tonight and felt the urge to share it.

The Chains That Bind

They all look so shiny and pretty

Siting there on the shelf

Calling out to me, distracting me

With their bright colorful baubles

Looking like diamonds in the sun

So I take one, and then another

And then another, and so it continues

Each one an exciting new adventure

Each time I think this will be the last

This one will make me truly happy

And then another one catches my eye

So I lay them aside and go for more

One day I glimpse the tree of life

My heart leaps within me as my eyes

See for the first time the real treasure of existence

I reach out with both arms, but find I cannot move

I look down and see many small chains

I am buried in them up to my waist

I wonder where they came from

They look so disgusting and dirty

Rusty old things, with spikes and

All kinds of little ugly things attached

I don’t understand how I got here

I reach down and pick up one

From the top of the pile

I turn it over to inspect it carefully

It looks vaguely familiar

I try to throw it away

But it is attached to the rest

Of the pile surrounding me

Something in me stirs, but I still wonder

Why, and how did this happen?

I am distracted again by the beauty

On the shelf within my reach

So I take another, and bring it close

I stare at it a long time

Wondering at its beauty

I resist, for the first time

Looking at the other things on the shelf

Which never seems to empty

And continue watching this new arrival

Still in my hand

If I had not seen it, I would not have believed

Like day to night I watched it turn

to match the ugly thing in my other hand

I impulsively react and try to toss it

But find that it too is connected

To all the other “jeweled chains”

In my pile of “treasures”

And even knowing this

I return time and time again

To the shiny beauty within my reach

For that momentary ooh and ah

Every once in a while I look up

And see a ladder

When I grab it, I get pulled out of my pile

Ever so slightly up and up

Then I get distracted by a reflection

Off the things that seem so much

Closer than the real treasure

And I reach down again

Adding to my pile

When will this end?

When will I be free

When will I have the strength

And the desire to turn toward

My Heavenly Father

And stay there?

Gateflower

I was thinking today about how I have entered the gate spoken of in the scriptures through faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, being baptized by one having authority, and receiving the Holy Ghost.  Almost the very next thought was how I am not more active in my ward family because I am unconsciously staying near the gate.

I am a gateflower.  I have been weighed down with so many negative self judgments that I don't let myself jump in with both feet in anticipation of being asked to leave.  I'll just stand over here real quiet, so they don't notice me.  If they do see me and ask me to leave at least I won't have far to walk until I'm "safely" outside and no one will see me cry.

This was a little depressing until I realized a few things: 

• Firstly- Heavenly Father only gives me knowledge as I can process it, so I must be ready to know this about myself and have the power to do something different, if I want to choose that.  
• Secondly - my Savior loves me.  He died so that I could enter the gate, and He would never "kick" me out.  I am in to stay, unless I choose to leave.  That is a very comforting thought.  
• Lastly - I realized I have already decided to stay.  Every time I follow a prompting from the Holy Spirit and do something to be like the Lord, I am reaffirming that choice (rather than making it over and over again).

I love my Heavenly and earthly families.  I always want to be with them.  I am making a commitment to God that I will watch out for my gateflower tendencies, and when I see one I'll ask Him who I can reach out to, so that I may be more fully involved in His kingdom here on earth.

Blessed by Addiction

I've come to a crossroads recently, where I found myself grateful to be an addict.  I never imagined I could feel that way.  I know that I am who I need to be, and on my own unique path.  Realization has come to me that the trials of addiction are giving me the experience I need to bless the lives of those I love, and don't know I love yet.

I hope that those whom I have the privilege of sharing my experiences with are helped in at least some small way.  I desire to strengthen those around me and be an uplifting influence in an increasingly negative world.  I want those I come in contact with to feel the love of the Savior when they are near me.